Things to be Happy About

This morning I woke up singing one of our "funeral songs" (Somebody's Crying-Chris Isaak). Makes me wonder what I was dreaming about. I got up at 5 and got on the computer. I quickly saw a picture of Willie that made my stomach drop to my feet. Sometimes I can't stand to look at him or hear the music or allow my thoughts to sit and think on him. It's too awful.
Aside from that constant fight....I have some things I'm really excited about. First and foremost, my sisters are coming. Joanna left for Cancun this morning and she's stopping to stay with me for a week on her way back. Rachel is coming shortly after and hopefully we will all be together for part of the time. I can't wait to see them!!! I hope we have time to just lay by the pool and breathe.
Another thing I'm excited about is, I think we have a house! We have searched and searched. I have probably looked at 50 houses. We started looking at new home builds last weekend. That would give our house more time to sell, AND all the builders are offering such great incentives right now. I think we've found one (it's not for sure yet! Everything "Lord willing"), but we are going through the steps. It's ours as long as this other lender says, "sure, we'll loan you a huge sum of money!" I won't go into detail about the house until later. I don't want to get totally disappointed. BUT, it is something that brings a little light into my world.
Another good thing: Rand's new job.....our new church... is going really good. I haven't written much about it, and still, I have to be careful because I don't want to offend anyone. The church, as we came in, was dying. They had plenty of reserve to survive on for a couple of years, but attendance was pretty low.....like 20 people on any given Sunday. And the music was not exactly something I enjoyed. Anyway, Rand was brought on to bring some major changes. The key leaders in the church were looking for someone who could come in with vision, a plan and the willingness to implement change to help grow the church. Well, this is the kind of project Rand LOVES. He is great at projects! So far, on the inside, not a lot of changes are visible yet.....but they are coming! There's going to be new music, new programs (for the kids), new lighting, new website, new backdrops....probably a new name. A completely new look and feel. Something fresh that will attract new people and outreach to the surrounding area.
I'm pretty excited about being a part of this church. I think it's going to be really cool! With as hard as the last couple of months have been for me, this church thing, for Rand, is going so well. Things for Rand and I, the last couple of years have been so hard. Nothing has been easy...especially for him. It's felt like a fight to figure out exactly what he should be doing. He tries something, and it just doesn't work. But this, this is going so well. Everyone he talks to sees his vision and wants to be involved. Except for a few individuals in the church who really don't want change (to be expected) complete strangers are coming in and saying, "Hey, I think I like the sounds of this. How can I help?"
Some days I don't want there to be anything good. I guess more accurately, some days even the good feels bad in light of what has happened. But some days, the good things are what I hold on to. They are the things that show me the glimmer of light at the end of a dark tunnel. They are the things that prove to me that God is not out to get me and that he really does care.
Today I'm grateful for things to be happy about.

Day-to-Day Activities

How about a break from grief? Here's what we've been up to.
Well, we stopped house-hunting, which bums me out (oops, grief) BUT it has freed up some of our time not going out with the realtor. Our friends James and Casey went to Portland for 5 days and we house-sat/babysat for them. They have a little boy who is just a few months older than Brendan and then a little girl who is a year older that Wyatt. They have another little girl (9 or 10 months) but they took her with them so we didn't have to watch her too. Anyway, I'm not going to lie, watching 4 kids ages 4, almost 4, almost 3 and almost 2 was tough and quite tiring, but mostly it was pretty fun. It was fun to stay at their house because it is totally set up for kids. They have an awesome play-room!! The kids spent a ton of time in there. They also have a huge pool which we swam in everyday (with 4 toddlers!!!!). It was fun having the pool right in the back yard. They also have a sweet car (thanks to Arbonne!) that has a 3rd row, so we could actually go in the car with all 4 kids which was nice to get all the kids contained for a while and get out of the house. One major bummer that happened, was I got the stomach flu the last night we were there and threw-up the whole night. That was NOT fun.
Aside from that, our kids had a blast over there and have already asked to go back this morning. They live close by (although they are off to Hawaii today for the week) so we get to see them pretty often and it's nice to have friends here.
Yesterday I went grocery shopping and cooked dinner. It was my first time cooking a full meal since I've been here. It was a little overwhelming but in a way therapeutic..and it was tasty.
We're all getting tan going to the pool everyday and as soon as I figure out how to get my pictures off my camera I'm going to post a picture of my kids' white little buns. It's pretty cute. :)The boys seem to have adjusted to the heat pretty well....as long as we are in water we can be out there. Yesterday it was 100 and that was supposed to be our "cool" day!! Going up!
You'd think with all this sunshine you would never have to wash your car, but you should see my car. It is FILTHY! It's dirtier than being in Washington rain. There is a lot of dust here and a lot of bugs. I can barely see out my windshield through all the bugs and the dust, if there is any moisture near by...like some automatic sprinklers...it turns to mud right on your car. Crazy!
Today, we'll probably go swimming...that's about all we do. Tonight I'm going out with my 2 girlfriends from college that live here and I'm looking forward to that.
I know my last couple posts have been sad, but this is the day-to-day stuff that I'm doing in the midst of all that. It's weird how you can be doing all these "normal" things on the outside and have such craziness going on on the inside. More of all of that to come....

Selfish Crying

I'm trying to find God. I really am. I pray more than ever. I call on him more than ever. I need him more than ever. But I can't find him anywhere. Despite what has happened I haven't turned my back on God. I'm mad at him, sure, but deep down I know he's good. I want to believe he has a plan. I want to believe he can see me at all times and that he is taking care of me. I want to believe he will make good out of the bad. I just don't feel him taking care of me or comforting me and I wish I could. I wish he would cut me a break. I wish he would make something easy.
The reason for this little rant is pure selfishness. One, I want my brother back. I'm pissed that from now on I'll only just miss him. I won't get to talk to him, I won't get to hug him. He won't get to teach my kids all those things he promised. He'll never whack me really hard on the rear when he's passing me in the kitchen. I'm so mad about that. I just want him back.
Two, I want to go home. I want to be by my sisters and see them whenever I want. I want to live down the road from a couple of my very best friends and live in my little neighborhood where I know everyone and I love them. I want to stop at the funeral home to visit my dad and my aunt and my sister and Ron and Curt. I want to spend the summer at the lake.
But I can't. OK. I'm in Arizona now. Fine.
And this brings me to the third thing: I want to move out of Rand's dad's. (Mike, I really am grateful. I hope you understand.) I want my own place. I want to cook my own meals with my own pots and pans. I want to hang up all my pictures of everyone I love and look at them all day. I want to go "home". I want to rest and take a deep breath and feel a little slice of peace.
Why can't I have that??
Rand (and I) just decided that we really can't buy a house right now. I have been looking like a mad person because I am so desperate for it, but really it is not a wise thing to do. Our house in Shelton is still for sale. We would be buying here with the hope that our house there would sell in a couple months by the time we had to start paying our mortgage here. Plus, with no down-payment, that makes getting a house here a lot more expensive. But I haven't really cared because I feel so desperate. I know it's the right thing to do, but I don't care. I just want what I want and I feel like I need it and that I deserve it. Why can't I have it? With everything else, why can't this just happen for me? I can't look at the big picture and say, "God has a bigger plan. He has something better planned for me. He is saving me from more pain this way." I can't say that. I can't hear it. It makes no sense to me. I feel like I'm going to scream. This whole house thing has pushed me right over the edge. I just feel like dying. I don't want to feel like this anymore.
We have some friends here in Phoenix who are moving to the east coast to go to seminary. Their house sold in 6 days. They were telling Rand that they really feel like it was confirmation from God that this was what they were supposed to do. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN???? What does that mean for me? What am I supposed to do? What is God trying to say? What is he trying to do?
I wish God would swoop down from heaven and stand in front of me so that I could just see him. Maybe if I could look at him for a second, I could see in his eyes that he really does love me. That he is sorry about my brother and that soon he will bless me 7 times over. And if he can't give me the things I want on earth, then he would help me understand that heaven is just a snap in time away. Maybe his hand would just touch my shoulder and my pain would go away......

Tear Soup---

This is from a great book I discovered in my counseling program at Western about 4 years ago. The book is called Tear Soup by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck DeKlyen.

The book is a story about a woman who has suffered a major loss and how she makes her own batch of "tear soup" blending different ingredients into her own grief process. It's a great book that affirms the bereaved, educates the unbereaved and can be used as a building block for children. I like that the book doesn't tell you exactly what her loss was, so it can be applied to almost anyone suffering any kind of loss and going through any level of greif. I recommend it highly!
This is from the back of the book, and isn't a part of the story, but I like the "recipe".

Grandy's Recipe for Tear Soup
Helpful ingredients to consider...

• a pot full of tears
• one heart willing to be broken open
• a dash of bitters
• a bunch of good friends
• many handfuls of comfort food
• a lot of patience
• buckets of water to replace the tears
• plenty of exercise
• a variety of helpful reading material
• enough self care
• season with memories
• optional: one good therapist and/or support group

Directions:

Choose the size pot that fits your loss. It's okay to increase pot size if you miscalculated. Combine ingredients. Set the temperature for a moderate heat. Cooking times will vary depending on the ingredients needed. Strong flavors will mellow over time. Stir often. Cook no longer than you need to.

Suggestions:

• be creative
• trust your instincts
• cry when you want to, laugh when you can
• freeze some soup to use as a starter for next time
• keep your own soup making journal so you won't forget

Serves one.

Today I'm feeling sadder than normal. I think because I talked to someone who didn't just talk, she asked good questions. I guess it's hard for me to just open up with people and call up a friend to "talk". I'd rather just keep it inside and go about my business like it's no big deal. But boy, you ask me the right questions and I can't even help myself...the tears just come out. I've noticed through this that I have a lot of friends and I really love all those people. But there are a few friends who I would die without (and a couple sisters) who want to talk about Willie, who want to talk about my pain. Sometimes I hate talking about it, but I am so grateful for those who take a second and recognize that even though I'm laughing and talking about my kids or my house-hunting or Phoenix weather..inside I'm crying and thinking about my brother and I'm missing my home and my good Shelton friends. Right now, I'm making tear soup. It's a hard job and most of the time I don't even know how I'm doing at it. I wish it wasn't going to take so long but I'm glad I have a few friends who will sit with me and help me "stir".

Uggh. The first one.

It's so hard to get started. How do I begin to write about where I have been and where I am today? My purpose for starting this blog was because I was moving, leaving and wanting to stay connected. That is still true, but everything has changed now.
I spent all day Friday, April 13th, packing up all of my things onto a Uhaul truck. It had been an emotional couple of weeks saying my good-byes and preparing for the adventure ahead. I thought of Will several times that day because I needed to call him. I had been with him 5 days earlier, but felt I hadn't really said good-bye. I even thought of badgering him to drive down from Seattle and see the boys one last time before we left. How I wish I would have done that....
We left around 7 pm and stayed in Wilsonville. It's so weird to think of that next day of driving, going about our business when our world had already been shattered and we just didn't know it yet.
We were in the middle of Grant's Pass, just north of Medford, when we got the phone call that started our nightmare. That part I won't re-hash now. It's too awful to write because writing takes too long and I don't want to think about it right now anyway.
Skip ahead.....Rand flew back to Phoenix on Thursday, April 26 and Brendan, Wyatt and I left in the motor home with my parents one week later.
The trip in the motor home was long and hard. We decided to not go down I-5 and instead went East first and into Idaho. We drove hard for 2 days and then took it easy for 2 days. We stayed in Salt Lake City 2 nights and got to visit with our good friends Traci and Brandon. Thank you to them for being open arms and open ears for me especially. I needed them and it was good timing, right in the middle of our trip. We arrived in the Phoenix area on Thursday, May 10. I said good-bye to my parents the next morning.
Overall the trip in the motor home was a nightmare. I don't know how else to describe it. At the time, I wouldn't have said that, but looking back, that's what it feels like. Not because my parents were so bad or the kids were so hard, but just the things going on inside of me. It tweaks my memory and my perspective on everything. I'm sure by Friday, I'll look back on this week and think, "last week was a nightmare." I wouldn't say this moment is a nightmare...I'm surviving, but looking back I feel so "off" that the time that has passed feels....well, like a nightmare. Moment to moment I survive. I'm busy with the kids and with house-hunting and trying to locate my things and just figuring out my new surroundings. Basically I'm doing normal things and talking to people in normal ways, and to a stranger it would look like I'm perfectly fine. But on the inside I can't figure it out. I can't make sense of my life. I can't find normal. All of the emotions are sitting in my throat at all times and when I am talking or going about my day the only thing I'm really thinking about is everything that has happened. I distract myself on a certain level, but the reality never really goes away. It's always there and it's scary how my tears are right at the surface and fall out easily without a lot of warning. I fight all day to keep them back because I have sooo much to do and it feels so awful. And I have to say, I'm pretty good at it, but that's probably bad. I'm just trying to survive.
Wow, I know that sounds so depressing, but it's my life right now.
Did I tell you all that my first day here it was 103! Supposedly it hadn't been that hot here until I got here. Funny, because our entire trip we were freezing cold and the day we get to Phoenix they have their hottest day....actually, their hottest week! The kids have heat rash! Either that or they reacting to all the sunscreen I put on them that they aren't used to.
I'm going to look at houses tomorrow and I'm really anxious to get my own place. Rand's dad is great and so flexible and such a trooper for inviting us in to stay for who knows how long. It's gotta be a shocker to go from living alone, to living with 2 other adults and their 2 toddlers! Thanks Grandpa Mike! But really, I can't wait for a place to hang my things and call home.
Rand's new job is going good. I'm waiting for him to start blogging about it and fill you in himself! :)
Well, I feel better now that I've gotten the first one out of the way. I want to keep you updated more so check back for some pictures of the kiddos in AZ!
Oh, and before I go, thank you a million times to everyone who has called me, sent flowers, sent cards and written emails. Your thoughts, prayers and encouraging words have touched my heart and mean so much.

Good-bye Shelton!

This is it! This is my last blog from Shelton. In fact, tomorrow the computer will be turned off and packed and I probably won't get back on until we arrive in Phoenix (Sunday or Monday). I think I'm ready. In order to keep myself from just totally becoming an emotional wreck I've been making lists of pros and cons. It keeps me grounded and looking at the positive things!
Things I will miss:
My family (obviously): Mom, Dad, Rachel, Royal, Willie, Joanna, Jon, Jordan, both of my Grandmas, some cousins and some aunts and uncles, and my cat!!!
My dearest friends (I wish I could list you all, but I'm afraid I would forget to mention someone): Church Friends, MOPS Friends, HighSchool Friends, Neighbors, Dance Friends, Knit Wits, Arbonne Friends, etc....
My house (our garden and our great back yard of grass!)
The frogs that are our neighbors on one side
The scenary
The lake
Summer (the Northwest kind)
And much more....
Things I will NOT miss:
Wal-Mart (I'm sorry, but I'm not going to miss that. I know there are Wal-Marts in Phoenix, but they are not the only place to shop in town!)
Family tension
Mold
Moss
90 days of straight rain
Limited good shopping
Huge blackberry vines invading our little space to play (although I will miss picking and eating the blackberries behind our fence)
Being cooped up in the house with the kids all winter!
That might be it. There isn't a whole lot I'm going to miss. And to be honest, I would be happy dealing with all those things. I guess I'm glad that there's not as much of those things in the place I have to go!
Pros:
Rand is going to love his job!
We have friends waiting for us there!
We are going have great weather most of the year!
It is going to so fun when our friends and family come to visit!
We're going to have a pool in our back yard for sure!
Grandpa Mike and Grandma Maureen!
I think I might take up golf!

Well, I guess I'm saying goodbye Shelton! I hope many of you really do come and visit! And of course I will be back to visit, too, probably for extended periods of time...especially in the summer! Please email me, call me, leave me comments because you will all be sorely missed!
With much sadness and joyful anticipation,
Kaylee

Rachel, Will, Joanna, Jordan

Having brothers and sisters is maybe one of the best things ever! I am lucky to have 4 of the best brothers and sisters around. Because we are all fairly close in age we have A LOT of memories that we love to re-hash at all of our family gatherings. (Oh the things we used to do when our parents weren't looking!!!) I don't know how it happened, but we all really like each other and we spend as much time together as we possibly can. Sometimes when we are all together we practically turn into children again (especially in restaurants or in church) giggling, being silly and even throwing punches at the dinner table.

I always find it sad to think that not all siblings get along as well as we do. Some siblings don't like each other at all. Maybe even worse is those who don't even have a brother or a sister. It's really too bad, because there is nothing like a sibling. Good friends come close but they will never be a sister or a brother in the same way. We lived together our whole lives, we share all the same memories (with variations), we were raised by the same two people. Nothing can break a bond like that....not even moving to Arizona! I have been so lucky for the past 4 years to live so close with all 4 of my brothers and sisters. It's hard to leave because of them. What would I do without all 4 of them? Or, if you want to get deep, who would I be? They make GREAT aunts and uncles and are loved sooo much by my boys. Although we will see each other often still, and we will "chat" online every day :), I will miss the casual, accidental, family gatherings that we have ALL the time! I just love my brothers and sisters!

Wyatt

There's nothing like a little music and some dancing toddlers to cheer you up!! :)

Could he possibly get any happier???

Wyatt--18months

"Bust it out!"

UNfortunately, I was born with the endearing quality of procrastination...especially when it involves a task that includes any feelings of "dread". I have a big task ahead of me: pack the house. And believe me, I'm dreading it. Instead of packing, however, I find myself wandering aimlessly, looking around thinking, "what am I going to do with all this stuff? How is this all going to fit on ONE truck?" FORTUNATELY, I married a guy who does not have this disorder. Any task ahead of him he just...does! His motto for everything is "bust it out!" (A saying I told him to not even think while I was in labor or he would most certainly be leaving the room.) We have a whopping 3 weeks before we move. I have done nothing (except I did help clean the house once when someone was going to come look at it :)) Rand on the other hand is just "busting it out!" He has disassembled the kids play structure in the back yard. He has driven around town collecting boxes, boxes and more boxes. He completely packed up the whole garage and broke down all the shelves so we can move things from the house to the garage as we go. He packed up all his books and moved his bookshelf out to the garage...and believe me he will being doing more today. As we speak he is cleaning up the kitchen. And he has a list: clean house, pack, make calls, clean cars out, call Gary, workout, do bills, do school work, church planning. WOW! This guy can accomplish some stuff! Now this is not to say that I am useless and spend all my time on the computer! :) Right now, for example, although I am on the computer, I am also cuddling a sick little boy and observing another coloring his CARS coloring book. We're together and I love that, even though there are chores to be done, we work together. So, I continue thinking about packing, tyring to find the "bust it out" attitude inside of me, while Rand does it. Maybe I'll have it tomorrow.... :)
Thanks for packing up the house for us, Rand

It's official. We're moving!

It started out as just a simple road-trip vacation to Phoenix and it turned into a job interview, a second trip to Phoenix and a job offer. That's the short version. The longer version is as follows:
At the end of January we loaded up our car and took our first long car trip to Phoenix with the kids. It was fun! Rand didn't have a "job" so we went with no specific plans to return..although we were planning on coming back at some point. Before the trip,we had been going through a time of change since Rand quit his job. His heart was for ministry, so he had been pursuing Thoughtlife (his non-profit ministry) as a full time job. As it turns out, although this ministry is well liked by many and a very good idea, it costs more to operate than we can afford without some other means to support ourselves adequately. (My Arbonne business supplements some, but that's another story) So, something was going to have to change, and we knew that before we left for our trip.
Meanwhile in AZ, a good friend of Rand's had been interim-pastoring a small church, but was heading off to the east coast in the fall and the church happened to be looking for a new head pastor. Rand's friend suggested he apply. So he did. The search committee interviewed him and loved him. We went home and the church flew all of us back down for a second interview and an "audition". Rand passed with flying colors and the church voted unanimously to hire him. The job seems perfect for him and I think he is going to love it. The church is REALLY small, but they want to grow. They are ready for change and want Rand to come in with ideas and a plan to implement them (exactly what he's good at).
Needless to say I am so sad to leave home because I love it here. My family is here which is the main reason I love it, but I also love the scenery, the weather and the atmosphere of a small town, a simpler life and the slower pace. I mean, we are going from wet, cool and green to dry, hot and brown. It's going to be quite a shocker. Who moves to Phoenix right at the beginning of summer? And who would leave here? We just survived winter. We're leaving right when it's starting to get good!
So, we blast off April 14 with a big Uhaul truck with our entire house on board. We have a For Sale sign on our house and we're starting to pack.:( Here we go. Ready or not. We're off to the desert!!