Summer Vacation

There's nothing like summer vacation at Nana and Papa's! Brendan and Wyatt had sooo much fun on our 3 week trip home. The trip started great with a hassle free, pretty un-eventful airplane ride with the 2 boys. As soon as we got to the lake the fun got started. Every single morning Brendan and Wyatt woke up Nana and asked for french toast....which she made for them. They spent lots of time with their cousin Jayden and taught him all sorts of things, like how to run faster, how to push and how to roar really loud (you're welcome, Rachel).

Almost every day the boys went swimming in the lake. It was a shocker compared to the pool we swim in here but they loved it. We even swam in the rain a couple times! No fear whatsoever. They just put on their life-jackets and ran all the way off the end of the dock.....over....and over.....and over again. Up the ladder, off the dock, up the ladder, off the dock. It wouldn't have been so bad, but I had to help Wyatt up the ladder every time! Ugh!

We did a lot of fishing off the dock too! Wyatt got his first catch. It was the same thing Brendan caught his first time a couple years ago....a fresh water clam. I don't know how they did it, but both of the boys have managed to catch clams with their fishing poles. We got really excited and took pictures of it...and then threw it back! :)

We went to the park next door almost every day and went really high on the swings. It was nice for the boys to get outside a bunch and not get burned on the play equipment. Brendan saw most of his friends, especially Bella and he also got to drive a tractor one night at "uncle Ron's" house.

There were several rides in the "big red boat". Did I mention lots of swimming??? We went kayaking and row-boating too. It seemed like a whirlwind of activity. The kids (and me) had so much fun visiting everyone. I had fun watching the boys have fun (even though it was very tiring). Overall it was a great vacation of being together and being busy doing lots of things. For me I was just glad to be with my family, sad but glad at the same time. It was also great to be with a few good friends who were around a lot too.

The kids are glad to be back in Phoenix now.....back with dad. All they want to do is rough house with him. But we are all looking forward to another trip to the lake!

Living Life Large

For the most part I would describe myself as fairly conservative. Pretty simple, not too much excitement or risk. Some might say "boring"....others maybe "safe". I would say, it's just comfortable. Willie, however, was never concerned with "safe" or "risk free". He was about "fast" and "exciting". He was busy doing all sorts of exciting things. He wake boarded, wake-surfed, water skied, snow skied (back country), had motorcycles, climbed mountains, scuba dived, built and flew remote control planes,trucks and boats. I could go on and on about all the things Willie did. He decided he wanted to do something and he went out, learned how, and got extremely good at it. I always admired that because for me that is such a hard thing to do. There are lots of new things I would like to learn or new hobbies I would like to take up, but it is so hard for me to step out of my "comfort" box and learn.
Anyway, Willie's death has inspired a lot of people to try and live life more like him...to the fullest. Not only am I more inspired to learn some new things that have been on my list for years (like learning violin), but I am more inspired to learn some of the things that Willie was into (like riding motorcycles). My trip home was awesome because I got to do some things that I might have shied away from because I might feel dumb doing them because I will probably suck at first.
I got a tattoo in memory of Willie. Willie didn't have a tattoo, but had he lived longer, I think he would have. I think he would be really proud of us for doing something so "edgy" in memory of him. (It's not as big as it looks in the picture, but still, it's pretty big!)
Another fun thing we did was "abstract-watercolor-artnite". Basically, we got together with watercolors and paper and made paintings that weren't supposed to look like real things! Now, normally, this is the kind of thing I like to do.....the artsy-crafty kinds of things. BUT, this was a little different. This time we were painting with a "real life" artist at the table! :) Amy Cooper (Willie's best friend's wife) is quickly becoming our great friend. She is an artist, and although very normal and fun to be around, she knows a lot more than me about colors and painting, and how to put things together into art that other people would pay a lot of money for! :) That being said, it was a little intimidating to be doing art with her, but I got over it. And we had a blast. I even think some of mine turned out pretty good!
Also while I was in Shelton I learned how to ride a motorcycle. I've ridden a motorcycle before, but I really actually want to learn how to do it this time. Our friend Ron Larson invited me and the kiddos and Joanna, Jon and Jordan out to his property in the Skok. Valley to learn. Well, I have to say it was fun. A little humiliating, but pretty darn fun. I sucked at it, but I could tell right away I have serious potential! :) Ok, so I can't totally say that it was a "real" motorcycle, but you had to wear a helmet and you had to shift it, so I count it! The thing was built for a 6 year old (that was the humiliating part), and Ron didn't tell me everything I needed to know before I took off, and I ended up popping a wheelie. I didn't crash, but I did feel a little silly considering I didn't mean to do that. So, I was proud of myself for doing it, because normally I would have chickened out and just said, "no, that's OK" just because I didn't want to feel silly. But now I can say I did it, and I don't regret it, and I want to do it again.

The older you get, the harder it is to change who you are. It's easier to go on every single day just doing the same things you have always done and never grow as a person. I remember learning in all my psychology classes that people change and grow through pain in their life. Most people can pin-point turning points in their lives when they really grew and changed as a person and they are always times of pain and suffering. I hate that I am in the midst of suffering. I hope on the other side of it I can say that I have become a better person, and that I have grown. I think I want to live life more like my brother, with less fear and more excitement, always willing to learn in order to live life with passion.

Shelton Trip!

Well, the temperature here in Phoenix has gotten past the point of no return. The lows at night aren't going below 85 degrees!!! I know, for Phoenix people, this is no big deal. In fact, it's quite lovely going out at night and the weather is perfectly comfortable.....not an ounce of chill. For me, however, I am in shock. I pretty much can't believe how hot it is. Yesterday, I got in the car and outside it was 112. Inside the car it had to have been at least 140. I started laughing because I couldn't believe how hot it was. We turned the car on and that 140 degree air blew right in my face.....it actually took my breath away it was so hot and dry. (Kind of like cold water does when you jump in the lake at the end of April.) I looked at Rand and said, "My body, literally, has never felt this hot in my entire life." How is that possible???
Although I am enjoying experiencing something new :)..... I am really looking forward to my upcoming Shelton trip! On Saturday, July 7th, me, along with Brendan and Wyatt are heading to the Great Northwest for a much needed respite from the heat. The great thing is, we will be home for 3 weeks, which should give us enough time to experience some great summer weather as well as some rain and cold! Brendan is looking forward to seeing Bella, fishing with Bubba and driving Papa's "big, red boat". I'm looking forward to seeing family and friends, relaxing by the lake, going to Alderbrook and participating with the family in things that aren't so fun, but that I usually miss out on or have to do alone (ie. visiting the cemetery, getting our "willie" tattoos, missing a brother/uncle, and just noticing the emptiness of an important missing member of the family). I'm just glad to be able to go home for a while.
In case you were wondering, Rand will be in California during my Washington trip, completing his residency requirement at Biola for his Master's in Apologetics. Also, our church is kicking off its new service on Sunday the 8th, called Resurgence. So Rand's got a lot to do with the whole church/school thing! It's going to be a long trip without him, but there are lots of people who really miss Bren and Wy and I know it's going to go by way too fast.
See all you Shelton-ites in 5 days!!! Be prepared.....I bet I'm WAY tanner than you! :)

Things to be Happy About

This morning I woke up singing one of our "funeral songs" (Somebody's Crying-Chris Isaak). Makes me wonder what I was dreaming about. I got up at 5 and got on the computer. I quickly saw a picture of Willie that made my stomach drop to my feet. Sometimes I can't stand to look at him or hear the music or allow my thoughts to sit and think on him. It's too awful.
Aside from that constant fight....I have some things I'm really excited about. First and foremost, my sisters are coming. Joanna left for Cancun this morning and she's stopping to stay with me for a week on her way back. Rachel is coming shortly after and hopefully we will all be together for part of the time. I can't wait to see them!!! I hope we have time to just lay by the pool and breathe.
Another thing I'm excited about is, I think we have a house! We have searched and searched. I have probably looked at 50 houses. We started looking at new home builds last weekend. That would give our house more time to sell, AND all the builders are offering such great incentives right now. I think we've found one (it's not for sure yet! Everything "Lord willing"), but we are going through the steps. It's ours as long as this other lender says, "sure, we'll loan you a huge sum of money!" I won't go into detail about the house until later. I don't want to get totally disappointed. BUT, it is something that brings a little light into my world.
Another good thing: Rand's new job.....our new church... is going really good. I haven't written much about it, and still, I have to be careful because I don't want to offend anyone. The church, as we came in, was dying. They had plenty of reserve to survive on for a couple of years, but attendance was pretty low.....like 20 people on any given Sunday. And the music was not exactly something I enjoyed. Anyway, Rand was brought on to bring some major changes. The key leaders in the church were looking for someone who could come in with vision, a plan and the willingness to implement change to help grow the church. Well, this is the kind of project Rand LOVES. He is great at projects! So far, on the inside, not a lot of changes are visible yet.....but they are coming! There's going to be new music, new programs (for the kids), new lighting, new website, new backdrops....probably a new name. A completely new look and feel. Something fresh that will attract new people and outreach to the surrounding area.
I'm pretty excited about being a part of this church. I think it's going to be really cool! With as hard as the last couple of months have been for me, this church thing, for Rand, is going so well. Things for Rand and I, the last couple of years have been so hard. Nothing has been easy...especially for him. It's felt like a fight to figure out exactly what he should be doing. He tries something, and it just doesn't work. But this, this is going so well. Everyone he talks to sees his vision and wants to be involved. Except for a few individuals in the church who really don't want change (to be expected) complete strangers are coming in and saying, "Hey, I think I like the sounds of this. How can I help?"
Some days I don't want there to be anything good. I guess more accurately, some days even the good feels bad in light of what has happened. But some days, the good things are what I hold on to. They are the things that show me the glimmer of light at the end of a dark tunnel. They are the things that prove to me that God is not out to get me and that he really does care.
Today I'm grateful for things to be happy about.

Day-to-Day Activities

How about a break from grief? Here's what we've been up to.
Well, we stopped house-hunting, which bums me out (oops, grief) BUT it has freed up some of our time not going out with the realtor. Our friends James and Casey went to Portland for 5 days and we house-sat/babysat for them. They have a little boy who is just a few months older than Brendan and then a little girl who is a year older that Wyatt. They have another little girl (9 or 10 months) but they took her with them so we didn't have to watch her too. Anyway, I'm not going to lie, watching 4 kids ages 4, almost 4, almost 3 and almost 2 was tough and quite tiring, but mostly it was pretty fun. It was fun to stay at their house because it is totally set up for kids. They have an awesome play-room!! The kids spent a ton of time in there. They also have a huge pool which we swam in everyday (with 4 toddlers!!!!). It was fun having the pool right in the back yard. They also have a sweet car (thanks to Arbonne!) that has a 3rd row, so we could actually go in the car with all 4 kids which was nice to get all the kids contained for a while and get out of the house. One major bummer that happened, was I got the stomach flu the last night we were there and threw-up the whole night. That was NOT fun.
Aside from that, our kids had a blast over there and have already asked to go back this morning. They live close by (although they are off to Hawaii today for the week) so we get to see them pretty often and it's nice to have friends here.
Yesterday I went grocery shopping and cooked dinner. It was my first time cooking a full meal since I've been here. It was a little overwhelming but in a way therapeutic..and it was tasty.
We're all getting tan going to the pool everyday and as soon as I figure out how to get my pictures off my camera I'm going to post a picture of my kids' white little buns. It's pretty cute. :)The boys seem to have adjusted to the heat pretty well....as long as we are in water we can be out there. Yesterday it was 100 and that was supposed to be our "cool" day!! Going up!
You'd think with all this sunshine you would never have to wash your car, but you should see my car. It is FILTHY! It's dirtier than being in Washington rain. There is a lot of dust here and a lot of bugs. I can barely see out my windshield through all the bugs and the dust, if there is any moisture near by...like some automatic sprinklers...it turns to mud right on your car. Crazy!
Today, we'll probably go swimming...that's about all we do. Tonight I'm going out with my 2 girlfriends from college that live here and I'm looking forward to that.
I know my last couple posts have been sad, but this is the day-to-day stuff that I'm doing in the midst of all that. It's weird how you can be doing all these "normal" things on the outside and have such craziness going on on the inside. More of all of that to come....

Selfish Crying

I'm trying to find God. I really am. I pray more than ever. I call on him more than ever. I need him more than ever. But I can't find him anywhere. Despite what has happened I haven't turned my back on God. I'm mad at him, sure, but deep down I know he's good. I want to believe he has a plan. I want to believe he can see me at all times and that he is taking care of me. I want to believe he will make good out of the bad. I just don't feel him taking care of me or comforting me and I wish I could. I wish he would cut me a break. I wish he would make something easy.
The reason for this little rant is pure selfishness. One, I want my brother back. I'm pissed that from now on I'll only just miss him. I won't get to talk to him, I won't get to hug him. He won't get to teach my kids all those things he promised. He'll never whack me really hard on the rear when he's passing me in the kitchen. I'm so mad about that. I just want him back.
Two, I want to go home. I want to be by my sisters and see them whenever I want. I want to live down the road from a couple of my very best friends and live in my little neighborhood where I know everyone and I love them. I want to stop at the funeral home to visit my dad and my aunt and my sister and Ron and Curt. I want to spend the summer at the lake.
But I can't. OK. I'm in Arizona now. Fine.
And this brings me to the third thing: I want to move out of Rand's dad's. (Mike, I really am grateful. I hope you understand.) I want my own place. I want to cook my own meals with my own pots and pans. I want to hang up all my pictures of everyone I love and look at them all day. I want to go "home". I want to rest and take a deep breath and feel a little slice of peace.
Why can't I have that??
Rand (and I) just decided that we really can't buy a house right now. I have been looking like a mad person because I am so desperate for it, but really it is not a wise thing to do. Our house in Shelton is still for sale. We would be buying here with the hope that our house there would sell in a couple months by the time we had to start paying our mortgage here. Plus, with no down-payment, that makes getting a house here a lot more expensive. But I haven't really cared because I feel so desperate. I know it's the right thing to do, but I don't care. I just want what I want and I feel like I need it and that I deserve it. Why can't I have it? With everything else, why can't this just happen for me? I can't look at the big picture and say, "God has a bigger plan. He has something better planned for me. He is saving me from more pain this way." I can't say that. I can't hear it. It makes no sense to me. I feel like I'm going to scream. This whole house thing has pushed me right over the edge. I just feel like dying. I don't want to feel like this anymore.
We have some friends here in Phoenix who are moving to the east coast to go to seminary. Their house sold in 6 days. They were telling Rand that they really feel like it was confirmation from God that this was what they were supposed to do. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN???? What does that mean for me? What am I supposed to do? What is God trying to say? What is he trying to do?
I wish God would swoop down from heaven and stand in front of me so that I could just see him. Maybe if I could look at him for a second, I could see in his eyes that he really does love me. That he is sorry about my brother and that soon he will bless me 7 times over. And if he can't give me the things I want on earth, then he would help me understand that heaven is just a snap in time away. Maybe his hand would just touch my shoulder and my pain would go away......

Tear Soup---

This is from a great book I discovered in my counseling program at Western about 4 years ago. The book is called Tear Soup by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck DeKlyen.

The book is a story about a woman who has suffered a major loss and how she makes her own batch of "tear soup" blending different ingredients into her own grief process. It's a great book that affirms the bereaved, educates the unbereaved and can be used as a building block for children. I like that the book doesn't tell you exactly what her loss was, so it can be applied to almost anyone suffering any kind of loss and going through any level of greif. I recommend it highly!
This is from the back of the book, and isn't a part of the story, but I like the "recipe".

Grandy's Recipe for Tear Soup
Helpful ingredients to consider...

• a pot full of tears
• one heart willing to be broken open
• a dash of bitters
• a bunch of good friends
• many handfuls of comfort food
• a lot of patience
• buckets of water to replace the tears
• plenty of exercise
• a variety of helpful reading material
• enough self care
• season with memories
• optional: one good therapist and/or support group

Directions:

Choose the size pot that fits your loss. It's okay to increase pot size if you miscalculated. Combine ingredients. Set the temperature for a moderate heat. Cooking times will vary depending on the ingredients needed. Strong flavors will mellow over time. Stir often. Cook no longer than you need to.

Suggestions:

• be creative
• trust your instincts
• cry when you want to, laugh when you can
• freeze some soup to use as a starter for next time
• keep your own soup making journal so you won't forget

Serves one.

Today I'm feeling sadder than normal. I think because I talked to someone who didn't just talk, she asked good questions. I guess it's hard for me to just open up with people and call up a friend to "talk". I'd rather just keep it inside and go about my business like it's no big deal. But boy, you ask me the right questions and I can't even help myself...the tears just come out. I've noticed through this that I have a lot of friends and I really love all those people. But there are a few friends who I would die without (and a couple sisters) who want to talk about Willie, who want to talk about my pain. Sometimes I hate talking about it, but I am so grateful for those who take a second and recognize that even though I'm laughing and talking about my kids or my house-hunting or Phoenix weather..inside I'm crying and thinking about my brother and I'm missing my home and my good Shelton friends. Right now, I'm making tear soup. It's a hard job and most of the time I don't even know how I'm doing at it. I wish it wasn't going to take so long but I'm glad I have a few friends who will sit with me and help me "stir".

Uggh. The first one.

It's so hard to get started. How do I begin to write about where I have been and where I am today? My purpose for starting this blog was because I was moving, leaving and wanting to stay connected. That is still true, but everything has changed now.
I spent all day Friday, April 13th, packing up all of my things onto a Uhaul truck. It had been an emotional couple of weeks saying my good-byes and preparing for the adventure ahead. I thought of Will several times that day because I needed to call him. I had been with him 5 days earlier, but felt I hadn't really said good-bye. I even thought of badgering him to drive down from Seattle and see the boys one last time before we left. How I wish I would have done that....
We left around 7 pm and stayed in Wilsonville. It's so weird to think of that next day of driving, going about our business when our world had already been shattered and we just didn't know it yet.
We were in the middle of Grant's Pass, just north of Medford, when we got the phone call that started our nightmare. That part I won't re-hash now. It's too awful to write because writing takes too long and I don't want to think about it right now anyway.
Skip ahead.....Rand flew back to Phoenix on Thursday, April 26 and Brendan, Wyatt and I left in the motor home with my parents one week later.
The trip in the motor home was long and hard. We decided to not go down I-5 and instead went East first and into Idaho. We drove hard for 2 days and then took it easy for 2 days. We stayed in Salt Lake City 2 nights and got to visit with our good friends Traci and Brandon. Thank you to them for being open arms and open ears for me especially. I needed them and it was good timing, right in the middle of our trip. We arrived in the Phoenix area on Thursday, May 10. I said good-bye to my parents the next morning.
Overall the trip in the motor home was a nightmare. I don't know how else to describe it. At the time, I wouldn't have said that, but looking back, that's what it feels like. Not because my parents were so bad or the kids were so hard, but just the things going on inside of me. It tweaks my memory and my perspective on everything. I'm sure by Friday, I'll look back on this week and think, "last week was a nightmare." I wouldn't say this moment is a nightmare...I'm surviving, but looking back I feel so "off" that the time that has passed feels....well, like a nightmare. Moment to moment I survive. I'm busy with the kids and with house-hunting and trying to locate my things and just figuring out my new surroundings. Basically I'm doing normal things and talking to people in normal ways, and to a stranger it would look like I'm perfectly fine. But on the inside I can't figure it out. I can't make sense of my life. I can't find normal. All of the emotions are sitting in my throat at all times and when I am talking or going about my day the only thing I'm really thinking about is everything that has happened. I distract myself on a certain level, but the reality never really goes away. It's always there and it's scary how my tears are right at the surface and fall out easily without a lot of warning. I fight all day to keep them back because I have sooo much to do and it feels so awful. And I have to say, I'm pretty good at it, but that's probably bad. I'm just trying to survive.
Wow, I know that sounds so depressing, but it's my life right now.
Did I tell you all that my first day here it was 103! Supposedly it hadn't been that hot here until I got here. Funny, because our entire trip we were freezing cold and the day we get to Phoenix they have their hottest day....actually, their hottest week! The kids have heat rash! Either that or they reacting to all the sunscreen I put on them that they aren't used to.
I'm going to look at houses tomorrow and I'm really anxious to get my own place. Rand's dad is great and so flexible and such a trooper for inviting us in to stay for who knows how long. It's gotta be a shocker to go from living alone, to living with 2 other adults and their 2 toddlers! Thanks Grandpa Mike! But really, I can't wait for a place to hang my things and call home.
Rand's new job is going good. I'm waiting for him to start blogging about it and fill you in himself! :)
Well, I feel better now that I've gotten the first one out of the way. I want to keep you updated more so check back for some pictures of the kiddos in AZ!
Oh, and before I go, thank you a million times to everyone who has called me, sent flowers, sent cards and written emails. Your thoughts, prayers and encouraging words have touched my heart and mean so much.

Good-bye Shelton!

This is it! This is my last blog from Shelton. In fact, tomorrow the computer will be turned off and packed and I probably won't get back on until we arrive in Phoenix (Sunday or Monday). I think I'm ready. In order to keep myself from just totally becoming an emotional wreck I've been making lists of pros and cons. It keeps me grounded and looking at the positive things!
Things I will miss:
My family (obviously): Mom, Dad, Rachel, Royal, Willie, Joanna, Jon, Jordan, both of my Grandmas, some cousins and some aunts and uncles, and my cat!!!
My dearest friends (I wish I could list you all, but I'm afraid I would forget to mention someone): Church Friends, MOPS Friends, HighSchool Friends, Neighbors, Dance Friends, Knit Wits, Arbonne Friends, etc....
My house (our garden and our great back yard of grass!)
The frogs that are our neighbors on one side
The scenary
The lake
Summer (the Northwest kind)
And much more....
Things I will NOT miss:
Wal-Mart (I'm sorry, but I'm not going to miss that. I know there are Wal-Marts in Phoenix, but they are not the only place to shop in town!)
Family tension
Mold
Moss
90 days of straight rain
Limited good shopping
Huge blackberry vines invading our little space to play (although I will miss picking and eating the blackberries behind our fence)
Being cooped up in the house with the kids all winter!
That might be it. There isn't a whole lot I'm going to miss. And to be honest, I would be happy dealing with all those things. I guess I'm glad that there's not as much of those things in the place I have to go!
Pros:
Rand is going to love his job!
We have friends waiting for us there!
We are going have great weather most of the year!
It is going to so fun when our friends and family come to visit!
We're going to have a pool in our back yard for sure!
Grandpa Mike and Grandma Maureen!
I think I might take up golf!

Well, I guess I'm saying goodbye Shelton! I hope many of you really do come and visit! And of course I will be back to visit, too, probably for extended periods of time...especially in the summer! Please email me, call me, leave me comments because you will all be sorely missed!
With much sadness and joyful anticipation,
Kaylee

Rachel, Will, Joanna, Jordan

Having brothers and sisters is maybe one of the best things ever! I am lucky to have 4 of the best brothers and sisters around. Because we are all fairly close in age we have A LOT of memories that we love to re-hash at all of our family gatherings. (Oh the things we used to do when our parents weren't looking!!!) I don't know how it happened, but we all really like each other and we spend as much time together as we possibly can. Sometimes when we are all together we practically turn into children again (especially in restaurants or in church) giggling, being silly and even throwing punches at the dinner table.

I always find it sad to think that not all siblings get along as well as we do. Some siblings don't like each other at all. Maybe even worse is those who don't even have a brother or a sister. It's really too bad, because there is nothing like a sibling. Good friends come close but they will never be a sister or a brother in the same way. We lived together our whole lives, we share all the same memories (with variations), we were raised by the same two people. Nothing can break a bond like that....not even moving to Arizona! I have been so lucky for the past 4 years to live so close with all 4 of my brothers and sisters. It's hard to leave because of them. What would I do without all 4 of them? Or, if you want to get deep, who would I be? They make GREAT aunts and uncles and are loved sooo much by my boys. Although we will see each other often still, and we will "chat" online every day :), I will miss the casual, accidental, family gatherings that we have ALL the time! I just love my brothers and sisters!