I'm trying to find God. I really am. I pray more than ever. I call on him more than ever. I need him more than ever. But I can't find him anywhere. Despite what has happened I haven't turned my back on God. I'm mad at him, sure, but deep down I know he's good. I want to believe he has a plan. I want to believe he can see me at all times and that he is taking care of me. I want to believe he will make good out of the bad. I just don't feel him taking care of me or comforting me and I wish I could. I wish he would cut me a break. I wish he would make something easy.
The reason for this little rant is pure selfishness. One, I want my brother back. I'm pissed that from now on I'll only just miss him. I won't get to talk to him, I won't get to hug him. He won't get to teach my kids all those things he promised. He'll never whack me really hard on the rear when he's passing me in the kitchen. I'm so mad about that. I just want him back.
Two, I want to go home. I want to be by my sisters and see them whenever I want. I want to live down the road from a couple of my very best friends and live in my little neighborhood where I know everyone and I love them. I want to stop at the funeral home to visit my dad and my aunt and my sister and Ron and Curt. I want to spend the summer at the lake.
But I can't. OK. I'm in Arizona now. Fine.
And this brings me to the third thing: I want to move out of Rand's dad's. (Mike, I really am grateful. I hope you understand.) I want my own place. I want to cook my own meals with my own pots and pans. I want to hang up all my pictures of everyone I love and look at them all day. I want to go "home". I want to rest and take a deep breath and feel a little slice of peace.
Why can't I have that??
Rand (and I) just decided that we really can't buy a house right now. I have been looking like a mad person because I am so desperate for it, but really it is not a wise thing to do. Our house in Shelton is still for sale. We would be buying here with the hope that our house there would sell in a couple months by the time we had to start paying our mortgage here. Plus, with no down-payment, that makes getting a house here a lot more expensive. But I haven't really cared because I feel so desperate. I know it's the right thing to do, but I don't care. I just want what I want and I feel like I need it and that I deserve it. Why can't I have it? With everything else, why can't this just happen for me? I can't look at the big picture and say, "God has a bigger plan. He has something better planned for me. He is saving me from more pain this way." I can't say that. I can't hear it. It makes no sense to me. I feel like I'm going to scream. This whole house thing has pushed me right over the edge. I just feel like dying. I don't want to feel like this anymore.
We have some friends here in Phoenix who are moving to the east coast to go to seminary. Their house sold in 6 days. They were telling Rand that they really feel like it was confirmation from God that this was what they were supposed to do. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN???? What does that mean for me? What am I supposed to do? What is God trying to say? What is he trying to do?
I wish God would swoop down from heaven and stand in front of me so that I could just see him. Maybe if I could look at him for a second, I could see in his eyes that he really does love me. That he is sorry about my brother and that soon he will bless me 7 times over. And if he can't give me the things I want on earth, then he would help me understand that heaven is just a snap in time away. Maybe his hand would just touch my shoulder and my pain would go away......
20 comments:
I wish that I could tell you something that would help you understand the plan that God has for you and your family. The problem is that I can't comment on it because I don't know what the plan is. When you find out what the plan is and how to go about doing it let us know, if you need help we are only a phone call away.
Royal
Kaylee, this is God. Move to shelton :)
Kaylee, this is also God. Move to Shelton :)
Kaylee, God here once again. You need to move back to Shelton, because your friend Jessie misses you terribly and she can't bear to drive through your old neighborhood and see your empty house just sitting there lonely. Also, if you move back home, maybe then she will stop tying up the prayerlines everynight. She doesn't have anyone to have meaningful conversations with over coffee. She wants to be your friend and bring you comfort and provide a shoulder for you to cry on, and it's really hard for her to do that when you live really far away. You have to do this because I am God and I say so.
Love you! I can't begin to imagine how hard it is right now for you. Being here in AZ must feel like a double edged sword for you. Anytime you want to bring the boys over to play, we're just a few minutes away. I don't know why God's plan is what it is and that we have no idea what it is, I do know that you can drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out. Whenever you need to cry, talk, laugh, eat cheetos, call me, even if you don't feel like it and want to keep everything in. Jake is giving you raspberries right now, which is how he says he loves you!
Love,
Ash
I feel more than anything Kaylee, God wants you emotionally healthy and happy. Maybe his plan is that your house not sell because this is where you belong.I feel with the hardship you have endured you need your family more than you have ever needed them, and they need you.
OH, GRIEF!! I am so sorry to hear about the pain you are going through but also glad to hear that you are getting it all out. Thank you for sharing so openly. Although I haven't been through what you are going through and would never even begin to say that I understand, I would be willing to listen if you need a listening ear. I too went through some grief with all of Addie's health stuff recently. You are in my thoughts and prayers, Kaylee.
Sara Kunkel (Shelton MOPS friend)
I want to say thank you for being honest about where your at. I feel for you, wishing I could say or do something but I know I can't. All I can say is we miss you here, and your in my thoughts.
Jami (FBC Mops)
Kaylee you are where you are because that is where God wants you. Period.
I know being away from friends and family during such extraordinary circumstance must feel just horrible and unfair. Moving is one of the most emotional experiences a person can go through and losing Willie must just bring you to the verge of madness. Mad at God, mad at Rand, mad at Arizona heat, just mad, but have faith. God can and will carry you through this difficult time.
Moving from Shelton was the right thing to do for YOUR family. Could you really picture yourself there long term? And this is coming from a person from Shelton.
Arizona is a great adventure for you and your family that many would love to consider but are unable due to their life's circumstances. Your circumstances are certainly difficult, but take heart in what you have there. I'm sure there are great features and opportunities there.
I can't imagine living with my in-laws and I know not having my own space would get old quick, but I admire and respect your willingness to do what you’re doing. Thanks to your example and for the right reasons, I just might consider it ;).
Your house in Shelton will sell. You may have to drop the price, take a little less, but it will sell.
And screw "plans." Life doesn't work that way and if it did it would suck. And this is coming from a person that always wants to accomplish my "plans." I just know that as soon as I think I have my life figured out, that is when God drops the next dramatic hurdle for me to walk through with Him. I am looking forward to sharing His perspective on all of this some day.
YOU CAN DO THIS! And I will continue pray in your support.
My heart is beating so hard for you right now; I think it might just explode from my chest. I have felt a range of emotions since Will died, but right now I feel so angry. Who wrote this comment above? They obviously have nooooo idea what you are going through. How hard it is, how tired being sad makes you, how alone you feel, how desperate, and deprived you feel. No one can understand how you feel or what you are going through.
Only you know where you need to be. In one day you could feel like you need to be in Shelton and in the same moment feel like you need to be in Arizona with Rand.
To the commenter: So shut up. Don’t talk to her. Of course she wants to be in Shelton sometimes, her family is here, her brother lies here, and she grew up here, duh! Of course she could see herself here long term, it is wonderful here. It is a caring and wonderful community, a beautiful example of God’s creation and a quite place to raise children.
All this talk about God’s plans for us is making me crazy, we just don’t know. Stop predicting for us, or acting like you know what is going on with God. You don’t know what God wants for Kaylee. Please please read Romans chapters 14 & 15. Stop telling her what to eat or not eat. Her relationship with God is her own, only she can hear his voice and what he wants for her.
I am shaking I am so angry. Don’t ask her to lower the price of her HOME. Don’t ask her to settle. She deserves a home where she can feel herself be whole, where she can heal her heart and care for her babies. Don’t rush her into settling.
Don’t tell her that Arizona is a great adventure. I don’t know for sure, but right now the last thing I want it a great adventure. There is nothing GREAT right now. There are only tolerable moments, at least for me. I can only imagine that Kaylee feels the same way. Kaylee knows that there are good things about Arizona, you don’t need to rub that in when all she wants is to feel comfort, to feel at home, in a an uncomfortable situation.
I am sure your intensions are good, but you don’t know. You just have no idea what this is like. You obviously don’t know Will, you don’t know how awful life is without him. You don’t understand what it is to have lost a part of yourself, to feel so lost. I pray that God softens your heart and grants you the gift of compassion. In the mean time, I would stick with your day job; this is clearly not one of your spiritual gifts.
-Jac, "the girl with the broken heart"
Whoever left that anonymous comment is a clueless coward that didn’t have the balls enough to leave their name after giving such BULLSHIT advice about a life that they know NOTHING about. Who do you think you are? With such "great advice" I find it so ironic that you were not confident enough to leave your name. How dare you try to speak to Kaylee like you know what you’re talking about. You have some "advice" to give me, call me up say it to my face. 360-490-2078.
GO JO!
You mess with one McComb, you mess with us all. Never tell her that moving to arizona was the best thing for her family. The thing that you don't understand is MOST OF HER FAMILY LIVES IN SHELTON.Do you think that was the best thing for us? How do you think it feels to lose your brother and then turn around and have you sister move. So next time you feel like giving advice on something you have absolutely no idea on, do the world a favor a SHUT YOUR MOUTH. Let Kaylee figure out what is best for her. If you want to do something, pray. Nothing else. I'm just sooo amazed at people's ignorance.
Ok, wow, it's getting a little harsh out here. Let's be nice. The "infamous-anonymous" comment was hurtful, cold and somewhat insensitive, but not intentionally so. I don't understand the reason for the lack of identification from the sender, but I really believe this person just truly didn't understand how their words would come across. Jac's comment was well put and spoke true to how it feels to be going through what we are going through and also how the "comment" made me feel worse. I really don't need anymore drama in my life and I recieve and love everybody's heartfelt words of empathy and understanding. Advice at this point doesn't really help me. I'm a big girl, I can look at all sides of a situation, but my last blog was about where I was at at that moment. And to tell you the truth, I'm still there and I'm okay with that. I know that everything is a process and time never stops and things never stop changing. Some changes are harder than others. And some people are fortunate enough to never have to go through things that make them feel this way.....or maybe it's unfortunate....
-Kaylee
I can't help but wonder...has that anonymous person ever lost a loved one? My guess is not.
Having reread my post and all of the harsh responses, I can see how my intention to offer an alternative "comment" of support was off the mark, insensitive and cold, especially when not leaving my name.
I appologize.
I'll take Jordon's advice of simply going back to prayer...and keep my day job.
My "comment" was simply in support of her decision to move to Arizona (admist extremely difficult and unforeseen circumstances) when the previous "anonymous" posts were not.
Again, I'm very sorry to you, Kaylee, and to all of you that found offense. The response was far from my heart for your situation.
Anonymous (in fear of any further retaliation)
Thank you "anonymous" for responding again. I appreciate your further words and heart-felt apology. Right now, those of us who are grieveing, are mad. Mad at lots of things. Me being here has me angry beyond belief and a lot of other people angry too. That's ok. It's ok that my family wants me close. And it is ok for me to want to be with them. It doesn't mean that I'm going to pack up and go back to Shelton forever, but the fact remains....I wish I could be with them. We are going through something awful and it is more awful to not be together. Your comment, although not intentionally so, gave a lot of people a "something" to be angry at. (Watch for my blog on "loaded guns".) I hope that you don't take it too personally and that you understand that, wow, this is really hard and really horrible and what people in this situation need is just a listening ear and a warm, tight, understanding hug.
Kaylee,
your ability to show such wonderful grace has amazed me since college. I don't know if I ever told you that before, but I remember thinking that about you so vividly then, and you have just demonstrated it again. You have such a kind heart and I am so thankful to call you my friend. I love you!
Ash
Hi All,
I just have to chime in after reading all of this. I think an important message here is that LISENTING IS THE KEY in helping a person who is grieving and not offering too much advice or trying to even compare their situation to a similar situation you have gone through. Even though your advice may have good intentions and even if something similar in nature has happened to you before no one’s grief process is exactly the same. I read a great quote recently which said, “Grief is as individual as those of us who feel it.” I recently spoke with Kaylee and she mentioned that she is a person who likes to be alone sometimes with her thoughts about Willie and it appears that one way she also likes to express her feelings is to write. I have never lost a sibling or even a close loved one, but knowing myself I think that I would constantly want people around me and would dread being alone. We are all so unique and different! Also, in defense of the anonymous sender, I think it is important to point out that things written in emails/blogs can come across way differently than they are intended, which is why it is sometimes easier to just pick up the phone and give the person a call so your opinions come across in a less negative way. I don’t know your relationship with Kaylee and her family, but I’m sure you were just trying to help Kaylee and to reaffirm her current decisions to stay with her family in AZ. As a supporter to people in these situations it is often hard to know what to do or to say, but I think through these last few blogs it is obvious that just offering your ear and shoulder to cry on will be enough. To the McComb family and Jac, not a day goes by that I don’t have you in my thoughts and prayers.
Erin Lea
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