Uggh. The first one.

It's so hard to get started. How do I begin to write about where I have been and where I am today? My purpose for starting this blog was because I was moving, leaving and wanting to stay connected. That is still true, but everything has changed now.
I spent all day Friday, April 13th, packing up all of my things onto a Uhaul truck. It had been an emotional couple of weeks saying my good-byes and preparing for the adventure ahead. I thought of Will several times that day because I needed to call him. I had been with him 5 days earlier, but felt I hadn't really said good-bye. I even thought of badgering him to drive down from Seattle and see the boys one last time before we left. How I wish I would have done that....
We left around 7 pm and stayed in Wilsonville. It's so weird to think of that next day of driving, going about our business when our world had already been shattered and we just didn't know it yet.
We were in the middle of Grant's Pass, just north of Medford, when we got the phone call that started our nightmare. That part I won't re-hash now. It's too awful to write because writing takes too long and I don't want to think about it right now anyway.
Skip ahead.....Rand flew back to Phoenix on Thursday, April 26 and Brendan, Wyatt and I left in the motor home with my parents one week later.
The trip in the motor home was long and hard. We decided to not go down I-5 and instead went East first and into Idaho. We drove hard for 2 days and then took it easy for 2 days. We stayed in Salt Lake City 2 nights and got to visit with our good friends Traci and Brandon. Thank you to them for being open arms and open ears for me especially. I needed them and it was good timing, right in the middle of our trip. We arrived in the Phoenix area on Thursday, May 10. I said good-bye to my parents the next morning.
Overall the trip in the motor home was a nightmare. I don't know how else to describe it. At the time, I wouldn't have said that, but looking back, that's what it feels like. Not because my parents were so bad or the kids were so hard, but just the things going on inside of me. It tweaks my memory and my perspective on everything. I'm sure by Friday, I'll look back on this week and think, "last week was a nightmare." I wouldn't say this moment is a nightmare...I'm surviving, but looking back I feel so "off" that the time that has passed feels....well, like a nightmare. Moment to moment I survive. I'm busy with the kids and with house-hunting and trying to locate my things and just figuring out my new surroundings. Basically I'm doing normal things and talking to people in normal ways, and to a stranger it would look like I'm perfectly fine. But on the inside I can't figure it out. I can't make sense of my life. I can't find normal. All of the emotions are sitting in my throat at all times and when I am talking or going about my day the only thing I'm really thinking about is everything that has happened. I distract myself on a certain level, but the reality never really goes away. It's always there and it's scary how my tears are right at the surface and fall out easily without a lot of warning. I fight all day to keep them back because I have sooo much to do and it feels so awful. And I have to say, I'm pretty good at it, but that's probably bad. I'm just trying to survive.
Wow, I know that sounds so depressing, but it's my life right now.
Did I tell you all that my first day here it was 103! Supposedly it hadn't been that hot here until I got here. Funny, because our entire trip we were freezing cold and the day we get to Phoenix they have their hottest day....actually, their hottest week! The kids have heat rash! Either that or they reacting to all the sunscreen I put on them that they aren't used to.
I'm going to look at houses tomorrow and I'm really anxious to get my own place. Rand's dad is great and so flexible and such a trooper for inviting us in to stay for who knows how long. It's gotta be a shocker to go from living alone, to living with 2 other adults and their 2 toddlers! Thanks Grandpa Mike! But really, I can't wait for a place to hang my things and call home.
Rand's new job is going good. I'm waiting for him to start blogging about it and fill you in himself! :)
Well, I feel better now that I've gotten the first one out of the way. I want to keep you updated more so check back for some pictures of the kiddos in AZ!
Oh, and before I go, thank you a million times to everyone who has called me, sent flowers, sent cards and written emails. Your thoughts, prayers and encouraging words have touched my heart and mean so much.