5 Months

Today marks the 5 month anniversary since Willie died. Five months later and that is still really hard to say, hear, read or even write. I actually just paused for a minute after the word "since" trying to decide how to say it so it wouldn't make me feel so sick to my stomach. It's weird how after 5 months I can't decide if the time has gone by fast or slower than ever. On one hand I really can't believe it's been 5 months. It seems like it just happened yesterday. The last time I saw Willie feels like just days ago. On the other hand it kind of feels like years have gone by. The time has dragged on in a way. The feeling of sadness lingers and every day feels hard and I have to live so much more "intentionally" minute by minute.
That being said, I think I'm "living" a little bit better day by day. Part of me doesn't want to get better. I want to be sad and suffer because I don't want to forget him and I don't want to not miss him. BUT, I am definitely functioning better than I was a few months ago. I still feel unsettled, having moved far away and not having a home yet, but I'm learning to lean on other things instead of the things I have typically leaned on for security and comfort. I'm learning a whole new way of trusting God and although I'm nowhere near a place where I can say, "I've learned this or that..." I'm aware that I'm learning and that God is changing me and my whole family. It is true that we will never be the same. Nothing will and that is a major part of the grief. Everything is different. I'm starting to anticipate and "look forward" (in a way) to being changed and molded into something "new". I'm starting to lean into the idea that God wants to use all the tragedy and sadness to refine me and bring about healing.
It's been 5 months. Sometimes I'm fine. Sometimes I'm not fine. Most of the time, I don't have a lot of "reserve"...if you know what that means. I still have shorter patience and a lot of unpredictable depressed times. BUT, I have happy times too. ALWAYS I will love my brother. ALWAYS I will miss him. ALWAYS I will look forward to seeing him again.
I still can't believe this has happened, to be honest. It seems so crazy and not real.

Everything has changed. It is all still changing. I simply grab hold to the one thing that will never change and allow Him to carry me (or push me) when I don't think I can go forward anymore. Someday we'll meet again, my brother and I, and we will hug and cry and never let go. And all the sadness will be gone.