Monday, August 15, 2011

Our White Horse Moment(s)

I read this today, here:

"How a white stallion had rode into the paddocks of an old man and all the villagers had congratulated him on such good fortune. And the old man had only offered this: “Is it a curse or a blessing? All we can see is a sliver. Who can see what will come next?”
When the white horse ran off, the townsfolk were convinced the white stallion had been a curse. The old man lived surrendered and satisfied in the will of God alone: “I cannot see as He sees.”
And when the horse returned with a dozen more horses, the townsfolk declared it a blessing, yet the old man said only, “It is as He wills and I give thanks for His will.”
Then the man’s only son broke his leg when thrown from the white stallion. The town folk all bemoaned the bad fortune of that white stallion. And the old man had only offered, “We’ll see. We’ll see. It is as He wills and I give thanks for His will.”
When a draft for a war took all the young men off to battle but the son with the broken leg, the villagers all proclaimed the good fortune of that white horse. And the old man said but this, “We see only a sliver of the sum. We cannot see how the bad might be good. God is sovereign and He is good and He sees and work all things together for good.”
~An Old Story from South America
Written down by Ann Voskamp

I almost want to apologize for my life. These things cross my mind: 'I'm sorry we can't get it together.' 'I'm sorry we aren't just normal people with jobs and money and consistency.' 'I'm sorry I have to keep writing the same thing, explaining again and again what has happened and why it is all changing....again.'

I, like the story, don't know whether it is a blessing or a curse. Did I explain this well enough before? Rand's company is becoming a 24 hour/day facility. That means all the over-time he does at night, between 5pm and 8am will become another shift. He won't be getting the overtime anymore. The over-time is how we survived. SOO, where does that leave us? It leaves us in that all too familiar position of knowing that something is coming to an end, and something new will have to begin. But what? And where? What if there is nothing here? Are we willing to move? Where are we willing to move to? Since we are in the business of "starting over", what do we want to start over doing? Do we stay in funeral service? Do we pursue pastoral? Do we pursue anything that would keep us where we are?

Rand and I are having a lot of the same conversations that we have had in the past (2006, 2008, 2010). I am having trouble having an open mind, a good attitude, a supportive role. I'm mad and wonder why it is that it can't just last. Anything. We had one job lead that seemed like perfect timing and a perfect fit. It is now a closed door. We are pushing open other doors. Some of them require moving. Some of them don't. Today, we spent 4 hours in the car, driving around with Rand, dropping off resumes.

Are we really doing this? AGAIN??? I just want to cry, really. Poor Rand. It isn't even his fault. Partially it is mine. I feel guilty that much of what we are going through is the "sacrifice" we have made in committing to raising our kids the way we do. We are still committed to that, but I am feeling the weight of that burden. Knowing a second income would change this story significantly (in some good ways, and in some not so good ways).

I appreciate so much Ann's post today. Is it a blessing? Is it a curse?

"How can I really see if a seeming disaster or dilemma, is actually dire? "

"My focus need only be on Him, to only faithfully see His Word, to wholly obey. Therein is the tree of life."

"God’s only up to good work"

"We see only a sliver of the sum."

"It is as He wills--and I give thanks for His will."


Kristi said...

You have my prayers for patience and open doors, my friend. I'm thankful that you have a reliable vehicle in which you can spend 4 hours delivering resumes.

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear that a door closed, I hope more doors open, and knowing Rand, they will. I can't tell you what to do, as with all things I think God will have the answer. As with fishing, I have caught just as many fish chasing them as I have waiting for them to arrive. Funny how different things in life seem to follow the same pattern. Stay or go, God will let you know. My family is always there for your family.

Uncle Bubba

Anonymous said...

"We see only a sliver of the sum." It is so hard to wait to find out what the sum is but you know that the people who love you are with you and there for you in prayer and in life. You have blessed me with what you have written and shared. I will be in prayer for and will give thanks for His will. The Great Marshmellow

leslee aka mom aka nana said...

yes....what we see (and what it feels like), what comes to us, seems like a curse at the time but there is such truth in believing that what comes will always be a blessing, for God is always good. i love the story of the white stallion and there is so much truth in that but living it gracefully and thankfully and confidently is a mighty challenge and just plain hard. Trust is hard to do when we just want to's just not ours to know and when it is, we will! I will be in prayer for strengthening your trust in God's plans so you can rest and enjoy the time, the day, the moment right now...just rest and trust and keep breathing. God has the plan....Rand has the strength and you have the perseverance. Just trust. hugs