Today is month 13. Another one. As most of you know I went "home" last month for the one year anniversary of my dear brother's extraction from Earth. Does that sound too alien-ish?? Well it's how I see it. Body left behind, but the boy I knew and loved gone...in a flash...straight to Heaven.
The one year anniversary was so anti-climactic for me. I was dreading it for so long. And then we decided to make a big deal out of it by setting his marker and viewing it for the first time on the anniversary..actually the day before. I went expecting a repeat of last year. Lots of people, lots of crying. There was lots of people. And there was crying, but it was different than I expected. I think I would have to attribute it to healing. A year makes a difference, even if it is just a small difference. It's just as sad as it ever was. I guess I can just breathe through the pain a little easier.
I've been thinking back over this last year a lot lately. Where we were. Where we've come. The things that have happened. The things that are going to happen....
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I am so stuck right now. Like, literally, right now. I have this problem with this topic. It is too big to tackle and put down in words. I've really never had that problem before. Generally, I express myself best when writing. This topic, however, is somewhat trapped inside. I really wanted to write something a month ago, but I couldn't. All I did was post those pictures of the marker. Still today, I can't quite articulate what I'm thinking/feeling about all this. Perhaps taking on this whole last year is too much.
Off the top of my head I can tell you that over this past year I have felt almost everything possible. I have felt loved and supported by sooo many people. I have become better friends with some of you through this last year. I treasure some of my friendships like never before because of how you have been there for me.
I have felt rejected and hurt by the people who "didn't get it", who couldn't help me with my pain, either by choice or by just simply not knowing what in the world to say or do.
I have felt hopeless. I have felt hopeful.
I have felt abandoned by God and I have felt held by Him.
I have been happy and sad.
I have felt distracted and obsessed.
I have felt annoyed.
I have felt......
...a million crazy things. Mostly I kept a lot to myself...internally processing as I usually do. A couple dear friends have cared enough to keep on asking. Sometimes they would get nothing out of my tight-lipped efforts to stay on the top side of my emotions, and other times tears would start to fall. I have found comfort in other people who have "lost" and their ability to "get it" just because they've gone through it. I still feel connected to those people, even the ones I don't talk to that often.
Every day I think of him. Sometimes so much I wish I could stop. His face flashes in my mind. His "bigness" when he was in a room and his loud voice. His gentleness with my boys and his wonderful laugh and the things that just him and I shared.
I am a different person today...than 13 months ago. I hope that I'm better. I can see fruit in my life that is evidence of learning lessons that God has given me. Other areas of my life still are being worked out. I know that I am better now than I was. I'm starting to want to do things that I haven't been interested in for a year. Like crafts, and maybe having more babies, getting my hair done, getting my body back in shape...and the like.
I must admit that I have felt a tinge of relief that we have passed the one year anniversary. All of those "firsts", done. One year closer to seeing Willie again. I do look forward to Heaven like never before.
Back to the lessons thing: I know I am still learning my lessons, but I suppose that is Life. I have had to choose this year whether I will lean on God and obey Him or whether I will hold my anger towards Him and deal with this alone. I think I have to make that choice everyday. There is a lot of this process that, for me, has to do with Faith and Trust. I might get hurt again. I will, actually. But, I trust the Lord who loves me and loved Willie and who I will spend eternity with. Nothing that happens during my stay on Earth can take that away. I choose to hang onto it...even when I miss my brother so bad it's hard to breathe. Like I have said before, the thing that has brought me the most peace all year is that God IS, Jesus IS and Willie IS too. I find the most comfort in that truth. I just can't see him. But I know he is there. I believe what God said.
I guess that is all I want to say for now. Believe me, there is more. But this is enough for tonight.
Some things I think about everyday.
9 comments:
My yesterday had me thinking a lot about you - I want this to come out right - I was thinking of you, your family, my cousin (extracted from earth at age 23 from a plane crash), my aunt and uncle - all my thoughts came after watching how someone's day was going along one way and in that instant, it was changed forever! It was weird to be a spectator of this all yet it gave me pause for so many things - I am thinking about you - I do a lot - I am truly sorry for your pain as it pulls at my heart to think of how you feel to be here without Willie...guess I just want you to know I am thinking about you and often do!!
Thank you, Jamie. I really appreciate that.
I love you! I am so amazed at what an outstanding woman you truly are...your faith, perseverance, strength, authenticity...everything. I'm giving you big hugs right now, sorry from so far away;) I am praying for you as you continue through your journey of grieving. Like Dory says, "just keep swimming!" ok, that was a little cheesy, but I am watching Nemo with Jake for the first time right now, he likes the fish:) we'll be home in under 6 weeks, then I can give you an actual hug! xx
Kaylee,
I am lovin' you. I feel so greatful to have you and Rachel as e-freinds and friends in real life. After losing a baby and my grandma last year, I too felt like I just couldn't live as well anymore. But Gods heals. He puts people back into you life that have been gone for some time so that you can heal together. I love your family. I have for what seems like forever.
Blessings to you and your family Kaylee!
My first response to your posting was....sigh. You sum up what grief feels like. I identified with so much of what you wrote. I have dealt with much of my pain alone too. Mostly because of those people you mentioned who didn't get it or didn't choose to try. I finally decided that I needed to work through it with God and God alone because I was only going to get true comfort from Him. And as you said, it is a choice, everyday - go through it with God or angry at Him. Thank you for sharing your genuine thoughts and feelings. I hope you find relief in putting your thoughts down and I hope you know that by being so authentic, you are helping others - like me. Thanks Kaylee!
Sara Kunkel
I have come back to leave you a comment 4 times now I think... you are always so eloquent when you leave your comments and thoughts for me and all of your words have sunk deep into my heart. I have appreciated every thought and every prayer.
It's been comforting to know, that though our circumstances are different, grief itself doesn't care. It can either eat at your soul or it can move your soul. From the outside, it seems clear to me that you are allowing your grief to move your soul. It's also ok to have days where you feel on the inside like it's eating you alive. I still vividly remember decorating for Christmas of '03 and though I was happily, 8 months pregnant with Karleigh, I sobbed for the other 2 babies that I had already lost for my time here on earth. I was thinking about that just the other day in fact and how I have to change my thinking from "this is what I SHOULD be doing" to "this is what I WOULD be doing". It doesn't sound all that different but has been a big eye opener for me because, in reality, I know that right now I am doing what I SHOULD be doing.
You stepped in on one of my most emotional days, aside from those 4 days surrounding delivery day and you made it clear that I would survive *cue the music* ;) I know that wasn't an "accident". God is always at work - and I think and pray for you and your family, daily.
I never get tired of that picture of the 5 of you by the fireplace at your parents. It just captures the great relationship that you and all of your siblings have!!! It is the quintessential McComb sibling photo. Hang in there my friend. I pray that with each passing day you receive clarity and peace. Is it wrong that I pray that God brings you, Rand and the kids back this way???? :) God Bless, Erin
Wow, Kaylee! That was powerful good writing. what made it so was the vulnerability and strength you laid out there, all mixed together. I am proud of you and proud to be your friend.
greg
Glad to hear that you are still healing, we will have to go fishing, that always helps me.
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