Saturday, March 28, 2009

2 Years and 1 Week

Happy Blogiversary to me! 240 posts and counting...

It's strange how time marches on. I'm sure I'll be saying that a lot as this time of year brings thoughts of the past flooding to my mind even when I don't want them. Just saying "2 years" doesn't sound all that long. But when I think of what the past 2 years has held I feel I could fill an entire lifetime with lessons learned, ups and downs (lots of downs), waiting, going, growing, etc.
Two years ago I had a 3 1/2 year old and an 18 month old. My plan was to have a couple more kids, remain settled in my favorite small town in Washington....perhaps venture to the next big town over, but you get the idea. My parents were near, with their fabulous lake house just waiting for summer and parties and fun. My siblings were close. 2 brothers, 2 sisters, 1 nephew and 2 brother-in-laws. I was content and happy. Oh. Did I forget to mention I was married???? Enter lesson #1. Husband. Two years ago the word brought negative thoughts as I resented him for trying to thwart my well thought out plan for my life. My dream deteriorated and I realised that it would never be as I wanted. Don't get me wrong. It wasn't Rand's fault at all. It was mine. As I watched with anguish as my family turned on my husband and my husband turned on my family I felt as if I might rip in two. To no one's credit but God's, it was rooted in me that I had to choose and I knew the choice I had to make.
You know the story. Phoenix. Thank you God for Phoenix. And God had much more in store than just teaching me the importance of my role as "wife" and the blessings in following God anywhere. No, He had many more lessons in store. I still wonder about the timing of all that. Why God chose to take my brother on that very same night I will never know. (Well maybe someday I will)
I really don't know where this post is going, but the start of this blog 2 years ago, the move to Arizona, this first post, all started with such.... an ignorance. That is clearly not the right word because I could have never known. I suppose it was more of a naivete. I find comfort in knowing that God knew all along. Yes, now I see more. Even through it all I found myself looking to lay down my roots. To find "my place". The desert was never my ideal, but I could live with it. I could find my niche. I wanted to. So quickly God moves sometimes.
Just the events of that job and then no job and then waiting and then a new job and then a move (again!) could fill pages and pages. The lessons learned, the trust and faith gained, the victories won. And still we struggle and God still teaches. Such is life if we are willing, I suppose.
Here I am. In Pennsylvania. Missing the past. Missing a brother. Missing Washington. Missing Arizona. Missing friends whom I may never be able to repay for their love that first year. Missing a family that at one time was "intact". Missing a Mom and a Dad who were whole, who were a rock to lean on. Missing sister camping trips and sibling trouble around the table. Summers at the lake, holidays with my family, sharing it all with the next generation. Togetherness.
I am thankful for the togetherness I have in my marriage, with my kids, with my God. I long for the "wholeness" that Heaven will bring.
I like having this blog to record the whole thing. To be able to look back and see where I've come and how we've grown. To stay connected.
What the next 2 years will hold....I have no idea. But I trust the one who does know. The more I know Him the more okay I am with not knowing.

Isaiah 41:13
For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.


rachel said...

amen sister

Luke said...

Happy Blog Day!


Krisy said...

Good word. I really like you.

Anonymous said...

I read your post and could not stop crying! God has blessed Rand with a wonderful, transparent, holy, caring, beautiful wife. I just want to let you know how much I respect and love gratefull I am that you are the mother of my grandchildren and my daughter-in-law. God has truly blessed our family.
I miss all of you! Thank you!

Anonymous said...

That was quite the post, very heartfelt. Glad to hear your taking everything in stride and coping as best you can. Keep leaning on God and if you need a little solitude go fishing.
Uncle Bubba

Anonymous said...

Uncle Bubba
I just want to let you know how much I appreciate your comments and humor...keep it coming.

Greg said...

Wow! I have told you a number of times how proud i am of you and i want to say it again. your maturity and godliness is evident in your writing. you have been through the fire and have stood strong in and through it. what you and Rand have done is broken a cycle that needed to be broken and now you walk into your future as a family, real in brokenness,real in strength. i too mourn the losses that have been part of these last two years and pray for healing that still needs to come.

Thank you for your blog and for what it teaches me and what it tells me about a young women who decided to seek first the Kingdom and righteousness and because of that choice has seen the promise of wholeness come into her life and marriage.

Linda and I are proud of you! keep up the great work.

Amy Cooper said...

Well, everyone already said what I wanted to say. . . and they said it WAY better!
I LOVE reading your blog. . . love it!

Kaylee said...

You all are swell. I'll try to move things along tomorrow. New post to come.

Kaylee said...

Hey Amy...
I like how your name link is now connected to your website.
I also noticed how your website is still under construction....
Reminds me a little bit of the studio. Ha ha! :)

Anonymous said...

I just want you to know how much I appreciate your blogs. I look every day for your newest posting and photos. It makes me feel more connected to you all even though you are so far away and things are pretty difficult these day. Just imagine me giving you all big hugs and know that I love you so much. Great Aunt Marshmellow